September 24, 2006
Humour Break: What happens when "Collectivists" are calling the shots?
NEW LEGISLATION FROM CONGRESS – THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON DC - Congress is considering a sweeping new law which will provide special benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Senator Barbara Boxer, D-California. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, pointed to the example of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 84 percent of all postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest employer of Persons of Inability in the country (with the single exception of the U.S. Congress, which has a higher ratio at 86 percent).
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (81%). At the State level, the Tennessee Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million new "middle man" positions will be created. These jobs will have important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance for the up-and-coming Unskilled.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation also provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz. Ms. Gertz recently lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the General Motors plant in Flint, Michigan due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see hope for a bright future ahead.
Said co-sponsor Senator Ted Kennedy, D-Massachusetts, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy or lack of ability, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
